The Silent Marriage Killer That’s More Deadly Than Sex & Money.(Kills Ranch Families Too)

Derek Harvey

Featured Creator

Posted: October 12, 2017

I got the answer wrong when the seminar presenter asked what the silent marriage killer was. Would you get it wrong?

Just after my wife and I got married, we attended a seminar on aiding the rehabilitation of human trafficking victims, particularly those trafficked for sex. (I won’t get into all that…that’s another story for another day.) In one of the presenter’s talks, he asked the audience what the biggest cause of divorce was. Since I had just been through premarital counseling, I pretty much felt like an expert at marriage. I shot my hand up quickly to answer the question, and blurted out, “Sex, money and communication!” …then looked at my wife next to me and grinned. Too easy.

“Wrong,” the presenter barked back. “Those are symptoms of the real problem.”

Ouch. Embarrassed much?

Not only was I given a sharp lesson in humility, but what followed changed my life. I was about to be told the best piece of marriage advice that this young, prideful, newly married man-boy could’ve ever asked for.

He continued…

“The reason marriages end in divorce is because of one thing…unmet expectations.” That’s a marriage killer! *mind blown*

My newly married man-boy brain couldn’t handle the revelation. I don’t remember much of what was said after that. I was too busy thinking of all the unmet expectations I was already experiencing after being married a month.

Since that seminar six years ago, I have seen the pain and frustration that plays out from having unmet expectations, not just in marriage, but in all relationships. It’s a deadly venom that flows to the heart and wreaks havoc in relationships.

But having unmet expectations isn’t just a marriage problem. It’s a life problem.

It doesn’t matter whether you’re single, married, working, unemployed, old, young or [insert demographic here]. Having unmet expectations is lethal to everyone. No one is immune.

So…what’s the solution?

I’m a math guy. I ‘heart’ equations. I love crunching numbers and thoroughly enjoyed algebra and calculus in high school (although I probably couldn’t do a calculus problem to save my life now). So I came across an equation.

EXPECTATION – OBSERVATION = FRUSTRATION

Here’s what that means. Below are two hypothetical situations played out…

EXPECTATION
When I come home from a long day at work, I EXPECT my wife to have dinner prepared and ready for us to sit down and eat as a family. She’ll be wearing an apron with no food stains on it (because she’s perfect like that) and her hair will be perfectly done up. Meanwhile, my 16-month old daughter will sit in her high chair and eat with utensils…never missing her mouth, which makes cleanup a breeze.

After we all finish eating at exactly the same time, we’ll head out into the Colorado sun and go for a nice family stroll, while the butler (you read that right…BUTLER son) cleans up the kitchen and prepares our home for evening activities.

OBSERVATION
I come home from work thirty minutes late, and dinner hasn’t even been thought of…much less started. Because of this, my toddler is screaming her head off, signing “MORE! PLEASE! EAT!” When I search for my wife, I find her working on a design project trying to meet a deadline that’s technically already past due. When I ask what’s for dinner, she glares at me the way only an overworked, overtired work-from-home-momma can glare (it can scald your pupils…so the legend goes).

After picking up my toddler, I make my way into the kitchen to find an abundance of NO GROCERIES. So, being the manly chef that I am, I set my eyes on cheese and bread. “Grilled cheese!” I exclaim. I put my daughter in her high chair as an influx of rage bursts from within her. I quickly grab the apple sauce pouch to appease her. It works…for now. I get to work on my grilled cheese sandwiches. Everyone eats. The kitchen is left a mess.

Toys are scattered throughout the living room just waiting to break someone’s ankle. My wife and I collapse on the couch, avoiding eye contact and avoiding volunteering to clean the kitchen. I could keep going but…you get the picture.

FRUSTRATION = The difference between the two.

Quite an elaborate illustration, I know. But I’m trying to paint the picture of what our expectations can be like versus what life is actually like…what we observe. (DISCLAIMER: In no way was that illustration indicative of my actual life. It’s either not true at all, or highly exaggerated…or spot on. The jury’s still out.)

Antonio Banderas says it best, “Expectation is the mother of all frustration.”

The fact of the matter is this: In life, we often have expectations that go unmet, and we’re often frustrated because of it.

But we don’t HAVE to be.

Here’s the answer: Let your OBSERVATION take precedence over your EXPECTATION. Period.

In other words, go with the flow.

Some would say to not have any expectations at all. But I wouldn’t go that far. I think healthy, realistic expectations that are communicated are good to have. They’re something to reach for.

But when you come into a situation and your expectations aren’t met, let your observation take the lead. Discard your expectation in the moment and deal with reality at hand.

Tired of being frustrated? Then set aside your unmet expectations and face reality head on. Then, after the fact, have a conversation with whoever is involved about what you expect and why.

Got a silent marriage killer in your life? In what ways have you dealt with unmet expectations? How have you positively handled facing reality? What other ways have you combated frustration? Leave a comment below for discussion!

https://www.inspiremore.com/marriage-killer/

Advertisement

How To Be Creative

Download and read this PDF. Even though it looks like its only subject is Art – Read Deeper, Read between the lines. It APPLYs  to you.

How To Be Creative

Dispelling Cattle Mineral Supplementation Myths

by Matt Hersom | Nov 15, 2019 | Beef Cattle, Livestock

There are a number of myths, hearsay, and misinformation that surround mineral supplementation for the beef cow herd. In the following I’ve listed ten of my favorites a

1.  Cows know what minerals they need.

Cows, like people, have no inherent knowledge of their nutritional needs, particularly when it comes to minerals. Cows will seek salt, but that does not translate to an understanding of mineral requirements. Since cows can’t read, they have no way of learning what their mineral requirements are during the production cycle, thus they depend upon us to provide appropriate mineral supplements. Likewise, offering cows a buffet of minerals to pick and choose what they want doesn’t work. Multiple individual minerals set out for free choice consumption has never worked. In that scenario cows will select minerals based on palatability, not necessity; so, whichever mineral disappears is the one that had more salt and tasted best.
–

2.  Cows don’t need minerals all the time.

Granted, there are some minerals that can be stored in the body to supply future demand, but several important minerals are not stored long-term in sufficient amounts. The cow does not have a mineral gauge on her side letting us know when her mineral status is low and needing supplementation. Consider this, minerals are used every day in normal metabolism and several important processes; having a ready supply through regular consumption is important. So how do you know which days the cow does not need minerals? Additionally, transient mineral shortages can have some profound negative effects on offspring through fetal programming.

–

3. Cows will consume just the right amount of mineral supplement.

Cows can’t read the mineral tag that informs what the expected and/or formulated consumption should be. If left to their own devices, cows will consume loose trace minerals supplements based on satisfying their salt craving/tolerance, liquid supplements based on intake controls, or hand-fed supplements based on accessibility. Relying on bovine self-control is a good way to spend too much on mineral supplements or have inadequate mineral intake.

–

4. Trace mineralized salt blocks are mineral supplements.

Look at the tag on the product, the primary ingredient is 97 – 99% salt . Therefore, the amount of other minerals contained in the block is too little to matter. The color of the block; red, blue, yellow etc. is created to give the illusion that some mineral is included in a sufficient amount.

–
5. Mineral form doesn’t matter.

Formulation does matter, because the different forms of minerals have different bioavailability. In general, mineral bioavailability from greatest to least is as follows: organic sources > hydroxyl, > chlorides > sulfates > carbonates > oxides. The specific order of bioavailability often depends on the specific mineral in question. The form of mineral affects mineral solubility, stability, absorption, interactions/antagonisms, and oxidation/reduction potential.

–
6. Grass provides all the minerals the cow needs.

Forages are often deficient in multiple mineral concentrations required by cattle. Various forages types will have different mineral concentrations. Forage mineral concentrations do vary throughout the forage growing season. Soil fertility and fertilization programs can affect forage mineral concentrations. Regardless, forages in Florida are nearly always deficient in sodium, copper, zinc, selenium, cobalt, iodine, and phosphorus at certain times and locations.

–
7. You must have white salt in addition to the mineral.

If the mineral supplement contains salt, the addition of more white salt only serves to dilute the formulated mineral supplement, and will reduce the intake of these key minerals. In either case the salt displaces mineral consumption, which can lead to inadequate intake of key trace minerals. Many producers claim that if the cows consume the salt and not the mineral it is justification that the cow has adequate mineral status. Refer to myth #1, cows will consume salt to satisfy their salt craving, and will consume either source of salt, block or loose mineral supplement, to obtain salt. Salt mixed into loose trace mineral supplements is used to both encourage and limit mineral consumption, but additional salt is not warranted.

–

8. The higher the inclusion the better.

Putting more of a mineral in a supplement just to increase the concentration in the supplement does not always equate to a superior product. Greater inclusion rates without appropriate balancing of other minerals can lead to interactions and antagonisms that undermine the effectiveness of the mineral supplement. Also important is the form of the minerals included, see myth #5. A lot of a low-bioavailability mineral is just more product that will get excreted, not more mineral into the cow.

–

9. Mineral supplementation fixes everything.

Undoubtedly mineral supplements are crucial to optimal cow performance. However, even the best formulation, consistently offered, and adequately consumed mineral supplement can’t fix everything. If the cows are deficient in dry matter, energy, or protein intake, are in poor health, or have inferior genetics, the productive output of these cows will be substandard.

–
10. There is a perfect mineral supplement out there.

Often producers are looking for their next mineral supplement, because they believe something better or cheaper is available. There are some well-formulated mineral supplements manufactured by any number of companies. However, just because a supplement is new, different, or the neighbor uses it does not mean that it will be the best option for your operation. Differences in forage base, supplemental feeds, cow breed, and stage of production all influence the appropriateness of the mineral supplement.